asexuality & blue lines
i started reading a book today, Upside Down by N.R. Walker. it opens like this:
Asexuality is defined by the absence of something.
Jordan O'Neill is questioning if he is asexual, and comes across an article that starts with that sentence, and it bothers him so much he doesn't read any of the rest of the article. "defined by the absence of something" makes it sound like something is missing, he thinks.
i think it would be more accurate so say that, often, asexuality yearns for the absence of sex, rather than being defined by it. the opportunities for anyone ace are so much rarer, something as small as having less romance novels & movies to enjoy than an allosexual person, because many of them are triggering and uncomfortable, or as big as having to be very careful with who you love, because if its someone who isn't willing to accept your asexuality then, um, good luck, i do not envy you.
now, ive only read a single chapter of this book today, but it made me think, and this post is everything that's been stewing in my brain.
what asexuality means to me
for me, lacking sex is not a relevant part of asexuality, but rather taking the attention that would be given to sex and instead focusing on Literally Any Other Form Of Intimacy.1 i believe those things become richer and more beautiful when they aren't being overshadowed by sex.
the shit ive been reading lately
so, monday night (technically tuesday morning oh my god my sleep schedule) i read the entirety of "How to Be a Normal Person" by TJ Klune in 5 hours, which follows the owner of a physical media movie store who meets the asexual cousin of a barista. its a romcom with humor of the endearingly stupid variety, but theres also this arc where Gustavo's (the main character) derealization gradually fades away and, by the end of the book, even though the heavy sarcasm is still there, everything feels SO REAL. it got me kicking my feet and twirling my hair and shit like that.2
so i REALLY liked this book and it was exciting since, until now, i ignored the entire genre of romance because of the asexuality thing. so obviously i wanna read more of this shit, and i pick up another TJ Klune book yesterday because i heard he is ace himself and so maybe they're all like this, right?
Bear, Otter, and The Kid is Not A Very Asexual Book. i got halfway through it today and im really not sure about reading the second half of it. i probably will still finish the book for completion's sake but im certainly not doing it in 5 hours tonight like "How To Be a Normal Person". it was after i put down this book that i read the chapter of Upside Down that made me want to write this post.
the part where any of this ties into linerider somehow ????
so, what hit me when reading Upside Down was the similarity between the way i think of asexuality and the way i think about all-blue quirk.3
the option of red lines allows you to completely ignore the restrictions of movement in blue. i think about the possibility space like, you hit a wall trying to do a certain movement in blue, and that boundary isn't something anyone designed, its emergent, from the rules of the physics engine. so blue quirk is very interesting to me because it is exploring the space within this oddly shaped boundary of possibility space, and the corners of it.4
im convinced we haven't gotten anywhere near exploring all the extents of this space, and so, i think all-blue tracks have a lot of potential that is still unseen.
this is kinda like how i feel about asexuality, everything other than the "nuclear option" becoming richer and more interesting when you remove the nuclear option. and, i know the analogy of red lines to sex is conceptually fucking hilarious but, like, if you think of all-blue and asexuality as creative limitations in different mediums then it kind of makes sense5, and my views towards them both share this concept of getting a better (or at least, more personally exciting) outcome out of removing something that seemed positive.
addendum: red lines are cool too
with red lines, that boundary in possibility space opens up, and theres no longer anything really shaping the movement style. this can be interesting too! Well Tempered Spaghetti's6 self-imposed rule of hiding all the lines inside scenery creates a different, less-explored shape in possibility space. different rules are all different angles at movement in linerider and i think they can all be art of some form. its about choosing rules and finding the consequences of those rules and all the things you can achieve within their bounds.7
Updates
so, i finished reading Upside Down, and then Bear, Otter, and The Kid.
Upside Down is what i expected it to be - really fucking cute - and the commentary on asexuality in the book is either really fucking obvious or really helpful depending on your understanding of asexuality.
i was about to write that the ending was cute but every page of this book was cute so of course.
Bear, Otter, and The Kid is the first book of a series so it didn't really tie up in a clean way. there was drama and a coming out, and i think the story is fine, its just unfortunate i started reading it with the wrong expectations.
and, like, im fine with the existence of sex scenes in general but something about the relationship of these characters soured it for me. and, the more i think about it, the more it reminds me of my reaction to another book, Fourth Wing. i don't bother trying to label my acespec identity but this makes me feel like demisexuality is a part of it, so i guess learning that was a success even though i didn't really enjoy the books.
also, the entire linerider section of this blog post is kind of embarrassing. like, that shit is meaningful to me, and i don't know if its possible to communicate that meaningfulness in a few paragraphs but i definitely didn't manage to do that. im leaving it as-is because, whatever. this'll be a time capsule of my writing ability in the year 2026
We'll Never Have Sex by Leith Ross↩
this youtube comment on Watch Your Mouth by The Backseat Lovers is so fucking hilarious and lives rent free in my brain, and like, okay. like, if you're going to understand me as a person then this really fuckin random thing that's in my mind at all times is NECESSARY background info↩
this entire section is going to be kinda incomprehensible if you're not familiar with the linerider community, sorry, i cant explain everything in a way that doesnt make this post huge↩
thats not the only reason, all-blue is also interesting to me because its where the importance of quirk (which i define as techniques that primarily utilize the pulling force of lines) is most emphasized, and im a Certified Freak so im really into that shit↩
though of course, one is usually a choice and the other is usually not, both are art (i believe in a broad definition of the word art that covers most of the things that people do)↩
The Well Tempered Spaghetti by OllieMBM↩
"[F]or me creation is largely a series of self-invented problems that you have to come up with weird hacky solutions for. Thank goodness! I couldn’t stand the unbearable perfection of craft." is a quote from the line rider reviews monthly roundup, which was in turn quoted from an interview↩